Up and Down. Up and Down. Seriously, I could not guess how many mountains and hills I have walked up and walked down. By this point, though, it is a given that of course there is going to be another hill around the bend of the Camino. And I hope I don’t live to regret saying this…but it’s ok. One step at a time with lots of little breaks make any mountain climbable.

Below is a photo of the top of a mountain that was memorable to me. A few days ago, I came across these steel silhouettes of pilgrims throughout the ages stationed at the top of Alto del Perdon. It was touching to see their lifesize impressions marking the top of this pass. It was one of the first moments I felt solidarity with pilgrims of the past, present and future walking this way. And you may notice the image of the dog…of course I had to pet it. Very friendly although he didn’t offer me any kisses.

The steep, rocky path down was just as memorable but for another reason. It was one of those downhill trails that was full of loose rocks and jagged edges of shale. Each step had to be considered and measured. Full attention was required. Making my way down this long stretch, it crossed my mind that this type of walk felt very similar to what intentional healing feels like.

Those who know me well know how much time, focus, and energy I have put into my intentional process of healing…especially healing from my relationship with my mom and her death, my own divorce, and a few other major heartbreaks. Taking the small steps on that downhill when I’m not sure if my foot will stay in place or slide out from under me, muscles in my legs on full alert for whatever is about to happen, knees and ankles fatigued and sensitive to any little movement, and my mind weary of such concentrated effort for so long without an option for another route felt just like my own process of healing my mind, heart and soul from trauma and suffering. It was like the mountain itself was the experiences or relationships that had hurt me so deeply, and I could either 1) stay stuck on top of the mountain trying to avoid or ignore the pain it presented, 2) I could run down the hill in a desire to escape it but would most likely experience further injury or handicap, or 3) I can intentionally choose to take one little step at a time, trusting that somehow I will work my way past this and even be all the stronger and more skilled from it.

My intentional healing process has involved working with Christian counselors and pursuing God in spiritual formation. With counselors I’ve trusted, I’ve been able to unpack all of my emotions tied to these losses and abuses and have then been able to recognize thought patterns that have developed out of the pain, anger, saddness and fear. While working through those layers I have simultaneously pursued God through my own spiritual formation by way of practicing spirtual disciplines and reading about spiritual formation, being active in spiritual direction, and participating in the Renovare Institute (renovare.org). Counseling helped me look at me and spiritual direction helped me look at God. By working through what was broken and unhealthy in me, I was then able to experience God restoring and redeeming those hurt places with His truth and love. I have come to know in my life and proclaim passionately to anyone who will hear – God does not let our pain happen in vain if we invite Him and seek Him in our healing process.

But throughout my processes of healing, there have been times that it felt scary, that I’ve wanted to quit, that I was utterly exhausted and unsure if I could continue, or I just wanted to stop and flail myself on the ground with tears and sobbing. Those are the feelings we are supposed to feel when we are healing and when we are climbing down a difficult mountain. It is not suppose to be easy. But in those places on the mountian, in my heart and in my mind, I have learned to keep my eyes on Jesus…he is the Lord of the process. I can trust Him. It may not be an elegant or glamorous way through, but it is real and I am all the more strengthened by it. My mantra through these trying times is “Slow and steady stays my course with my Lord.”

Healing is real friends. Mental, emotional and spiritual healing really can happen. It is not easy, quick or controllable…but it is good, hopeful and life-giving. If you have been afraid to face the pain of healing or if you have been running from the pain of your life and are hurting yourself more instead, may I invite you to take the little steps down the mountain with me?

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul. – Psalm 23:1-2

Inscribed on the sihouettes “where the path of the wind crosses with that of the stars” on top of Alto de Perdon (Mount of Forgiveness)

The view part way down Alto del Perdon. A promising view to keep walking towards.

Once down and ready to look back at what I just overcame.